All Jokes

• I'm tired of following my dreams...
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
• Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
• What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
• I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work...
• A steak pun is...
• Why did the tomato blush?
• Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
• I'll tell you what often gets overlooked...
• Why do birds fly south for the winter?
• What is a centipede's favorite Beatle song?
• My first time using an elevator...
• To be Frank...
• Slept like a log last night...
• Did you hear about the blind circumciser?
• Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
• I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing "I'm A Believer"...
• What do you call two barracuda fish?
• Why is Peter Pan always flying?
• What do you do on a remote island?
• Did you know that protons have mass?
• I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
• Whoever invented the knock-knock joke...
• Honey I'm pregnant...
• Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?
• Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
• Man, I really love my furniture...
• What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
• Conjunctivitis.com...
• How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
• I don't trust stairs...
• A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery...
• I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once...
• I cut my finger chopping cheese...
• What do you get hanging from Apple trees?
• Last night, my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back...
• I got a reversible jacket for Christmas...
• What did the beaver say to the tree?
• What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?
• I have kleptomania...
• What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
• I made a belt out of watches once...
• This furniture store keeps emailing me...
• How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
• I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome...
• Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
• A book just fell on my head...
• What did the dog say to the two trees?
• Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
• Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
• What did the mountain climber name his son?
• Whiteboards...
• What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password?
• Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag, he replies...
• I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...
• How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
• If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
• My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together...
• Recent survey revealed 6 out of 7 dwarfs...
• What do you call corn that joins the army?
• Put the cat out...
• Two muffins were sitting in an oven...
• What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
• Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
• Just read a few facts about frogs...
• Two satellites decided to get married...
• They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck...
• Where's the bin?
• Why do bears have hairy coats?
• What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
• Why do bees hum?
• What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler?
• A magician was driving down the street...
• Don't trust atoms...
• If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree...
• Where do bees go to the bathroom?
• What do you call a bee that lives in America?
• I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger...
• What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
• I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.
• What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?
• Two parrots are sitting on a perch...
• Bad at golf?
• Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
• Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
• What does a female snake use for support?
• Dad, I'm cold...
• Dad, make me a sandwich...
• I was just looking at my ceiling...
• Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
• My dog has no nose...
• What do you call a cow with no legs?
• Why did the half blind man fall in the well?
• As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden...
• It's difficult to say what my wife does...
• Atheism is...
• What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
• How do you steal a coat?
• I'm reading a book on the history of glue...
• Want to hear a joke about construction?
• Just watched a documentary about beavers...
• Why do choirs keep buckets handy?
• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
• You can't run through a camp site...
• They're making a movie about clocks...
• Archaeology really is...
• I was going to get a brain transplant...
• Why can't you use "beef stew" as a password?
• Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
• Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
• The rotation of earth...
• How much does a hipster weigh?
• A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection...
• I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"...
• What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?
• What's blue and not very heavy?
• I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months...
• Where did you learn to make ice cream?
• Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
• Leather is great for sneaking around...
• People are making apocalypse jokes...
• What is the tallest building in the world?
• What kind of magic do cows believe in?
• How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
• What do you call a cow with two legs?
• Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
• Why was six afraid of seven?
• What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
• I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience...
• Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
• I'll call you later...
• Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested...
• A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean...
• I've just written a song about a tortilla...
• Can February march?
• So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says...
• Egyptians claimed to invent the guitar...
• Toasters were the first form of...
• What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?
• Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
• Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is...
• Why are fish easy to weigh?
• What did the scarf say to the hat?
• Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
• This morning I was wondering where the sun was...
• Writing with a broken pencil is...
• A panda walks into a bar...
• Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places...
• What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
• What did the Zen Buddist say to the hot dog vendor?
• Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
• What did the red light say to the green light?
• What did the ocean say to the beach?
• What do you call a fly without wings?
• Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?
• What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
• I fear for the calendar...
• I'm glad I know sign language...
• The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick...
• What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?
• Our wedding was so beautiful...
• Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper?
• When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
• What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?
• Why did the cookie cry?
• What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
• What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
• Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
• What do you call someone with no nose?
• What do you call a girl between two posts?
• What do you call a fat psychic?
• I used to be a banker...
• Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
• What does a pirate pay for his corn?
• Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...
• My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...
• I ate a clock yesterday...
• Two dyslexics...
• Milk is the fastest liquid on earth...
• Is the pool safe for diving?
• Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
• My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor...
• A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires...
• Ben & Jerry's really needs to improve their operation...
• What time did the man go to the dentist?
• Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
• What is this movie about?
• Why are pirates called pirates?
• Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?
• How does a dyslexic poet write?
• Don't tell secrets in corn fields...
• What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
• Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
• Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me...
• What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
• Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
• What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?
• What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?
• Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy...
• Why did the coffee file a police report?
• Mountains aren't just funny...
• I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency...
• Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?
• What do you do when you see a space man?
• If you want a job in the moisturizer industry...
• When you have a bladder infection...
• What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
• I was in an 80's band called The Prevention...
• People saying "Boo!" to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year...
• I was at the library and asked if they have any books on paranoia...
• Have you heard of the band 1023 MB?
• I needed a password eight characters long...
• I used to hate facial hair...
• R.I.P. boiled water...
• What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?
• The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself...
• Why is the ocean always blue?
• I decided to sell my Hoover...
• What does a clock do when it's hungry?
• I bought shoes from a drug dealer once...
• You know that cemetery up the road?
• Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
• Can I watch the TV?
• What do vegetarian zombies eat?
• What is the hardest part about sky diving?
• Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog?
• Who did the wizard marry?
• How many seconds are in a year?
• How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
• There's not really any training for garbagemen...
• Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
• I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone...
• How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
• What do you call a fake noodle?
• What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
• Two fish are in a tank...
• I finally bought the limited edition thesaurus that I've always wanted...
• This is my step ladder...
• I was thinking about moving to Moscow...
• A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter-flavored chips.
• What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
• Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
• My New Years resolution...
• Why did the scarecrow win an award?
• Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
• Why does Superman get invited to dinners?
• Why is no one friends with Dracula?
• What is the leading cause of dry skin?
• A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm...
• I'll tell you something about German sausages...
• I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood...
• How does a French skeleton say hello?
• Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
• What do prisoners use to call each other?
• What's E.T. short for?
• Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
• What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
• A sandwich walks into a bar...
• I thought about going on an all-almond diet...
• I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport...
• Today, a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club...
• How do you organize a space party?
• How do you make holy water?
• They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...
• What does an angry pepper do?
• Don't buy flowers at a monastery...
• Do you have a preference of where you sit?
• Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
• Why did the house go to the doctor?
• A skeleton walked into a bar...
• Comedians who tell one too many lightbulb jokes...
• When does a joke become a dad joke?
• What's brown and sounds like a bell?
• Why do crabs never give to charity?
• How do you make a hankie dance?
• Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting...
• How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
• If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas...
• What do you call cheese by itself?
• How do you fix a broken pizza?
• What's red and bad for your teeth?
• I heard there was a new store called moderation...
• A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work...
• I used to work for a soft drink can crusher...
• Dad drops a pea off of his plate and says...
• My cat was just sick on the carpet...
• Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?
• I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night...
• I had a dream that I was a muffler last night...
• Doctor, you've got to help me! I'm addicted to Twitter...
• I broke my finger at work today...
• I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was...
• People who don't eat gluten are...
• Sore throats are...
• How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
• What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
• A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a glass of vodka...
• You know what they say about cliffhangers...
• Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
• A termite walks into a bar...
• How do you get two whales in a car?
• What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
• I tried taking some high resolution photos of local farmland...
• What did the ocean say to the shore?
• I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one dog in it...
• I gave all my dead batteries away today...
• Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging...
• Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?
• What do you call a sheep with no legs?
• Did you hear that David lost his ID in Prague?
• My wife is on a tropical fruit diet...
• Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?
• I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood...
• Past, present, and future walked into a bar...
• Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
• Why are skeletons so calm?
• Without geometry...
• Hold on, I have something in my shoe...
• Have you heard about the film called Constipation?
• I hate perforated lines...
• Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
• What did the judge say to the dentist?
• What time is it?
• I wouldn't buy anything with Velcro...
• What are the strongest days of the week?
• What rhymes with orange...
• I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary...
• Where does batman go to the bathroom?
• There's a new type of broom out...
• The shovel was...
• Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
• A man tried to sell me a coffin today...
• It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope...
• What did the shy pebble wish for?
• Why did the belt go to prison?
• My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
• What cheese can never be yours?
• A cannibal is someone who is...
• Want to hear my pizza joke?
• What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
• What did the 0 say to the 8?
• Two peanuts were walking down the street...
• At the boxing match, my dad got into the popcorn line and the line for hot dogs...
• Hey Dad, did you get a haircut?
• I asked a Frenchman if he played video games...
• Shout out to my grandma...
• Why was the broom late for the meeting?
• I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo...
• Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
• Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time...
• What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
• What's brown and sticky?
• What biscuit does a short person like?
• Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
• What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe?
• Want to hear a chimney joke?
• If two vegans are having an argument...
• My sea sickness...
• I'm planning on stealing an indoor head garment...
• What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
• My new thesaurus is terrible...
• Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
• How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?
• Camping is...
• Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type...
• I'm on a whiskey diet...
• Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
• Why did they give the pony a glass of water?
• What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?
• I used to have a job at a calendar factory...
• I am terrified of elevators...
• Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
• I wish I could clean mirrors for a living...
• How do the trees get on the internet?
• To the guy who invented zero...
• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
• What is red and smells like blue paint?
• While reversing the car...
• How do locomotives know where they're going?
• How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
• Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
• What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
• Two guys walked into a bar...
• I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers...
• Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
• What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
• I'm practicing for a bug-eating contest...
• I have the heart of a lion...
• Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
• The word queue is interesting...
• A mushroom walks into a bar...
• Two vampires walk into a bar...
• A man walks into a piano bar and orders a drink...
• A brain walks into a bar...
• Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar...
• A number twelve walks into a bar...
• A hydrogen ion walks into a bar...
• A neutron walks into a bar...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Cindy Lou...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Amanda...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Bless...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Ice cream...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Repeat...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Dishwasher...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Tank...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Norma Lee...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Hawaii...
• Knock knock. Who's there? Apple...
• How do you stop a crow from calling?
• How do you heal a broken Jack-O-Lantern?
• A person was playing with electricity...
• A man and his wife were in divorce court...
• There was a man who entered a pun contest...
• A man walks into a bar...
• Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil?
• If everyone in America started driving pink Cadillacs, what would you have?
• There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut...
• How do you shoot a blue elephant?
• A panda walks into a café...
• The Boston Symphony recently performed Beethoven's Ninth symphony...